In the series of the Biggest Mistake Singles Make When Wanting a New Partner
If you’re dating over 40, 50, 60 or beyond and hoping to find a new partner, knowing what you want is a good thing.
In fact, one of the advantages of looking for love later in life is that you usually know yourself far better than you did in your 20’s. You know what matters to you, what you won’t tolerate and, hopefully, what you need from a happy and healthy relationship.
But there is absolutely a difference between having healthy standards and having unrealistic expectations when dating.
As a professional matchmaker, I regularly speak to people who genuinely want to find love, but whose list of requirements has become so specific that they may inadvertently be ruling out people who could make them very happy.
Most singles start with completely reasonable requirements.
They want someone kind, honest and emotionally available. Someone they are attracted to, who shares similar values and genuinely wants a committed relationship.
All good so far.
But then the list starts to grow.
They need to be a certain height. Live within a certain distance. Have a particular type of career. Earn a certain amount. Dress a certain way. Have similar hobbies. Have children of the right age — or no children at all. Be available on the same days. Have the right social life and, of course, look a certain way.
Individually, none of those preferences is necessarily unreasonable.
The problem comes when every single one becomes non-negotiable.
Suddenly, you aren’t simply trying to find a compatible partner with whom you could build a loving relationship.
You’re trying to find someone who matches a specification.
And real people rarely do.
One of the challenges of dating later in life is that most of us already have established lives.
We have homes, careers, children, grandchildren, friendship groups, hobbies and routines. We’re used to deciding how we spend our weekends, where we go on holiday and even what we watch on television.
That independence can be wonderful.
But it can also mean that when we start looking for a new partner, we’re searching for somebody who can slot neatly into the life we’ve already created without changing very much.
Relationships don’t really work like that.
Finding the right person isn’t simply about filling an empty space in your existing life.
Two lives coming together will inevitably involve some compromise, flexibility and adjustment from both people.
That isn’t settling.
It’s part of building a relationship.
This is particularly relevant when it comes to physical attraction.
Of course you need to find your partner attractive. I would never suggest otherwise.
But there’s a big difference between:
“I need to feel attracted to this person.”
and:
“This person needs to look exactly like the partner I have imagined.”
Attraction isn’t always instant.
It can grow because of someone’s warmth, humour, confidence, intelligence or kindness. Sometimes it’s the way they make you laugh, the way they look at you or simply how comfortable you feel when you’re together.
This is one of the problems I see with online dating and dating apps.
When you have hundreds of profiles at your fingertips, it’s incredibly easy to dismiss somebody within seconds because of a photograph, their height, their job or something they’ve written in their profile.
Instead of asking:
“Could I be happy with this person?”
we start asking:
“Do they meet all my criteria?”
They’re very different questions.
And it’s one of the reasons some people become disillusioned with online dating despite genuinely wanting a serious relationship.
Our expectations can also be influenced by previous relationships.
If you’re dating after divorce, you may be very conscious of everything you don’t want to experience again.
If you’re dating after bereavement, it’s completely understandable that qualities you loved in your late husband, wife or partner may become part of what you’re looking for in somebody new.
But your next relationship doesn’t have to replicate your previous one.
The person who is right for you now may be quite different from the person who was right for you 20 or 30 years ago.
Your life has changed.
You’ve changed.
And different doesn’t mean worse.
The right person for this chapter of your life might surprise you.
Rather than starting with a long list of characteristics your future partner needs to possess, I often encourage my matchmaking clients to think about something slightly different.
How do you want to feel in your next relationship?
Do you want to feel loved and wanted?
Safe and secure?
Respected?
Able to completely be yourself?
Supported?
Able to laugh together?
Excited about your future?
Then ask yourself which qualities in another person would help create that relationship.
Those are the things worth making non-negotiable.
Whether they’re 5’10” rather than 6’0″, live 45 minutes away rather than 20 or love a hobby you’ve never tried may turn out to matter far less.
This is probably the most important distinction for anyone looking for love after 40.
I would never encourage somebody to lower their standards when it comes to the things that really matter.
Don’t overlook disrespect, dishonesty, incompatible values or completely different relationship goals simply because you want to meet someone.
But being flexible about things that don’t determine the quality of a relationship isn’t settling.
It’s giving yourself a better opportunity to meet the right person.
One of the advantages of working with a professional matchmaker or matchmaking service is having another person look beyond your checklist.
My job isn’t simply to find someone who ticks every box you’ve given me. It’s to get to know you, understand the relationship you’re hoping to find and consider people you might never have discovered, or perhaps even chosen yourself.
Sometimes the person who makes you happiest isn’t the person you would have selected from a photograph on a dating app.
They’re the person you meet and think:
“I wasn’t expecting you.”
So if you’ve been trying to find a partner without success, it might be worth looking at your own list.
Keep the standards that protect the kind of relationship you want.
But perhaps loosen your grip on some of the preferences that don’t really matter.
Because the goal isn’t to find the perfect person.
It’s to find the person who is right for you.
And those two things can be very different.
Looking for love after 40, 50, 60 or beyond?
If dating apps aren’t working for you and you’d like a more personal approach to finding a partner, Genuine Connections offers professional matchmaking for singles looking for a genuine, long-term relationship. Find out more about my 1-to-1 matchmaking service here
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