Dating Over 40: Are You Expecting Perfection From a New Partner?

Mistake #8

In the series of The Biggest Mistakes Singles Make When Wanting a New Partner

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Nobody is perfect.

We all know that.

And yet when it comes to dating, sometimes we behave as though the person we’re looking for should be.

They said something slightly awkward on the first date.

Their dress sense isn’t quite what you’d choose.

They talk a little too much when they’re nervous.

They’re not as spontaneous as you’d like.

They have an annoying habit.

They don’t communicate in exactly the way you do.

And suddenly, we’re wondering whether they’re really right for us.

When you’re dating over 40, 50, 60 or beyond, having standards is important. But there’s a danger in expecting a new partner to arrive as a completely finished package, perfectly suited to you, with no irritating habits, awkward edges or differences.

Because that person doesn’t exist.

And if you’re waiting for them, you may overlook somebody very good while you’re searching for somebody perfect.

This is different from knowing what you want

In an earlier blog in this series, I talked about having unrealistic expectations, creating such a specific checklist for a future partner that very few people could ever meet it.

Expecting perfection is slightly different.

This often happens after you’ve met someone.

On paper, they’re actually a pretty good fit.

You’re attracted to them. You have things in common. Conversation is easy. They want the same kind of relationship. They’re kind, interested and emotionally available.

But…

There’s something you don’t quite like.

And instead of asking whether that something really matters, you start wondering whether there’s somebody better out there.

Dating apps have made perfection particularly tempting

I think online dating and dating apps have made this much harder.

When another profile is always just one swipe away, it’s easy to believe that perhaps the next person will have everything this person has, but without the bits you don’t like.

So rather than exploring a potentially good connection, you go back to looking.

And then you find another person.

They’re funnier, but perhaps not as emotionally open.

Someone else is more attractive, but doesn’t want the same things from life.

The next person shares more of your hobbies, but you don’t feel as comfortable around them.

Before long, you’re comparing individual qualities across dozens of people rather than getting to know one whole human being.

Real relationships aren’t built by selecting the best characteristics from lots of different people.

They’re built by getting to know one imperfect person and discovering whether the whole of who they are works with the whole of who you are.

We can become less tolerant as we get older

There’s something else that can happen when we’re dating later in life.

We’ve become used to ourselves.

Our routines.

Our homes.

Our way of doing things.

Perhaps you’ve lived alone for several years and you’ve become very comfortable with exactly how your life works.

Then another human being arrives.

And humans are inconvenient.

They load the dishwasher differently.

They’re always five minutes early when you’re always five minutes late.

They like the bedroom colder than you do.

They plan everything three weeks ahead when you prefer to be spontaneous.

They might even squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle!

None of those things tells you whether someone will love you, support you or make you happy.

But when you’ve become very used to doing things your own way, small differences can feel surprisingly big.

A relationship will require some adjustment.

Not just from them.

From you too.

Are you looking for flaws because it feels safer?

Sometimes perfectionism in dating isn’t really about being fussy.

It’s about protecting ourselves.

If you’ve been hurt before — particularly if you’re dating after divorce or a difficult relationship — spotting someone’s imperfections early can feel like a way of avoiding another mistake.

You become hyper-aware of anything that could potentially become a problem.

You analyse messages.

You notice changes in tone.

You question things they say.

You look for signs that this person might eventually disappoint you.

It’s understandable.

Experience teaches us things.

But there is a difference between noticing genuine red flags and searching for evidence that somebody isn’t perfect.

If you look hard enough for flaws in another person, I promise you will find them.

They’ll find some in you too.

The question isn’t whether someone has flaws.

It’s whether you can happily live with each other’s.

A good relationship doesn’t mean never being irritated

I sometimes think we have a slightly romanticised idea of what the right relationship should feel like.

If they’re the one, surely everything should be easy?

You should naturally agree.

You should always understand one another.

You should never get irritated.

You should want exactly the same things.

But even the happiest couples annoy each other sometimes.

They disagree.

They misunderstand one another.

One person says something badly.

Someone forgets something.

They have different opinions.

What makes a relationship good isn’t the absence of those moments.

It’s how two people deal with them.

Can you communicate?

Can you apologise?

Can you compromise?

Can you laugh at yourselves?

Can you disagree without trying to hurt one another?

Can you accept that sometimes your partner will do something differently simply because they’re a different person?

Those things tell you far more about the potential for a healthy long-term relationship than whether somebody meets an impossible standard of perfection.

Don’t confuse imperfections with red flags

This doesn’t mean ignoring behaviour that genuinely concerns you.

There are things you absolutely shouldn’t overlook simply because “nobody’s perfect.”

Dishonesty.

Disrespect.

Controlling behaviour.

Incompatible relationship goals.

Cruelty.

Consistently poor communication.

Values that fundamentally clash with yours.

Those aren’t little imperfections you need to learn to accept.

There is an enormous difference between accepting somebody’s humanity and ignoring behaviour that makes a relationship unhealthy.

Knowing the difference matters.

Think about how you’d like somebody to see you

There’s another way of looking at this.

Imagine you’re on a date with someone you really like.

Would you want them analysing every word you say?

Would you want one slightly nervous comment to determine whether you get a second date?

Would you want them judging your entire personality because you happened to wear something they didn’t love?

Would you want them mentally comparing you with every other person they could potentially meet?

Probably not.

You’d want them to give you a chance.

To see beyond the slightly polished, or perhaps slightly nervous, version of you sitting opposite them.

To get to know the real you.

And that’s exactly the same opportunity we need to give other people.

Look for ‘right for me’, not perfect

As a professional matchmaker, I’m not looking for a perfect person for my clients.

I couldn’t find one if I tried.

I’m looking for someone who could be right for them.

Someone whose values fit.

Someone they could enjoy spending time with.

Someone who wants the same kind of future.

Someone with whom attraction and affection could grow.

Someone who will bring something positive to their life.

And yes, that person will have flaws.

They’ll have habits you wouldn’t choose.

There will be things about them you don’t completely understand.

There may even be things that drive you slightly mad.

But hopefully there will also be kindness, laughter, companionship, attraction, support and that wonderful feeling of having somebody in your corner.

So if you’re looking for love after 40, 50, 60 or beyond, perhaps the question to ask after meeting someone isn’t:

“Are they everything I want?”

Try asking:

“Is there enough here that I’d like to know more?”

Because you don’t have to decide whether somebody is your forever person after one or two dates.

You only have to decide whether you’d like to see them again.

Give people a little room to be human.

Give attraction a chance to grow.

Give yourself permission to discover somebody rather than assess them.

Because the person who is right for you won’t be perfect.

They’ll simply be perfectly imperfect, just like you.

Your regular dose of genuine advice, real-world dating tips, and confidence-boosting reminders that love is never out of reach. Whether you’re diving back into dating or just dipping a toe, think of this space as your encouraging nudge, your friendly cheerleader, and your go-to guide for doing love the grown-up way.