Dating Over 40: Are You Giving Up on Finding Love Too Quickly?

Mistake #7

In the series of The Biggest Mistakes Singles Make When Wanting a New Partner

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“I’ve had enough.”

“I don’t think there’s anyone out there for me.”

“Maybe I’m just better off on my own.”

If you’ve been dating for any length of time, there’s a good chance you’ve thought, or said, at least one of those things.

And I understand why.

Dating can be exhausting.

A few disappointing dates, conversations that go nowhere, people disappearing halfway through a conversation, yet another evening spent scrolling through dating apps and suddenly you find yourself wondering whether finding someone is actually worth all the effort.

So you stop.

You delete the apps. You tell your friends you’re done with dating. You throw yourself back into work, family, friends and everything else that fills your life.

And for a while, it can actually feel like a relief.

But if, underneath it all, you still want someone to share your life with, giving up isn’t really solving the problem.

It’s simply removing your opportunity to meet them.

Finding the right person takes time

I think sometimes we underestimate how difficult what we’re actually trying to do is.

You’re not looking for a person.

You’re looking for your person.

Someone you’re attracted to who is also attracted to you.

Someone who is emotionally available at the same time you are.

Someone whose values, lifestyle and hopes for the future are compatible with yours.

Someone you enjoy spending time with who feels the same about you.

And you’re trying to find all of those things in one human being.

When you look at it like that, perhaps it’s not surprising that it can take a little time.

Yet I’ve spoken to people who have had three or four disappointing dates and concluded:

“There are no decent men/women out there.”

There are.

You just haven’t met the right one yet.

Dating apps can make us give up even faster

Online dating and dating apps have created a strange contradiction.

They give us access to more single people than we’ve probably ever had before, but they can also make us feel more lonely and as though finding somebody is impossible.

Swipe.

No.

Swipe.

Maybe.

Match.

Message.

Conversation fizzles out.

Start again.

When you repeat that cycle often enough, it’s easy to become cynical.

You can start to feel as though everybody is flaky, nobody wants a serious relationship and there simply aren’t any good people left.

But the people you encounter on a dating app are not representative of every single person in the world.

And dating apps are only one way of meeting someone.

If they’re leaving you frustrated and disillusioned, perhaps the answer isn’t to give up on finding love.

Perhaps it’s to change how you’re looking for it.

That could mean meeting people through hobbies and interests, accepting introductions from friends, going to singles events or trying a more personal approach such as working with a professional matchmaker.

Change the method before you abandon the goal.

Are you also giving up on people too quickly?

There’s another side to giving up too quickly that I see when matchmaking.

We can dismiss an individual before we’ve really given ourselves the opportunity to get to know them.

The first date was perfectly pleasant…

But there weren’t fireworks.

You didn’t immediately feel butterflies.

Perhaps they were slightly nervous.

Maybe conversation didn’t flow quite as naturally as you’d hoped.

So you decide there won’t be a second date.

But first dates are strange things.

Two people are meeting, often knowing they’re assessing one another as potential partners, and both are probably trying to make a good impression.

That isn’t necessarily the environment in which you’ll see the best of somebody.

Sometimes attraction is immediate.

Sometimes it grows.

Some of the strongest relationships begin with:

“I wasn’t sure at first…”

rather than:

“I knew the second I saw them.”

If there are obvious red flags, you’re fundamentally incompatible or you really don’t enjoy their company, that’s different.

But if your only reason for saying no is that you didn’t feel an instant spark, I would sometimes encourage giving it another date.

You might be surprised by what happens when the nerves disappear.

Don’t mistake a bad date for a bad dating life

We’ve probably all done this in other areas of life.

One terrible meal doesn’t make us decide never to eat in a restaurant again.

One bad holiday doesn’t mean we stop travelling.

One difficult day at work doesn’t necessarily make us give up our career.

Yet one or two disappointing dates can make us declare:

“Dating isn’t for me.”

A bad date is simply that.

One bad date.

It doesn’t predict what will happen on the next one.

And the person who isn’t right for you hasn’t wasted your time simply because they didn’t become your partner.

You’ve learned something.

Perhaps you’ve discovered another quality that matters to you.

Maybe you’ve realised something you thought was essential actually isn’t.

Or perhaps you’ve simply practised having a conversation with someone new and putting yourself out there again.

Not every date has to lead somewhere to have been worthwhile.

Dating after divorce or bereavement can make setbacks feel bigger

If you’re dating after divorce, separation or bereavement, putting yourself out there can require enormous courage.

You’ve already experienced loss in one form or another.

So when dating doesn’t immediately go well, retreating can feel much safer.

You may think:

“Why am I putting myself through this?”

And taking a break can absolutely be the right thing to do.

There is a difference, though, between taking a break and giving up.

Sometimes stepping away for a few weeks, taking the pressure off and concentrating on yourself is exactly what you need.

But if finding someone to share your life with still matters to you, come back to it.

You haven’t failed because you needed a breather.

Be careful with the story you start telling yourself

This is perhaps the biggest danger of giving up too quickly.

After enough disappointments, we start creating stories:

“All the good ones are taken.”

“Men my age only want younger women.”

“Women aren’t interested in men like me.”

“Nobody wants commitment anymore.”

“I’m too old to find love.”

The more often we repeat these things, the more they start to feel like facts.

And once we believe them, we start behaving accordingly.

We stop noticing opportunities.

We decline invitations.

We don’t make eye contact.

We don’t tell friends we’d like to meet someone.

We stop putting ourselves in situations where connection could happen.

Eventually, the belief that “there’s nobody out there for me” becomes self-fulfilling, because we’ve stopped looking.

You only need to find one

This is something I often remind people who are looking for love later in life.

You don’t need everybody to like you.

You don’t need every date to be successful.

You don’t need hundreds of matches.

You don’t even need ten suitable people.

Ultimately, you’re looking for one.

One person where the attraction, timing, values and feelings come together.

As a professional matchmaker, I can’t promise when that person will appear. Nobody can.

But I do know that the chances of meeting them become considerably smaller when you decide they’re not out there and stop giving yourself opportunities to find them.

Persistence doesn’t mean dating constantly

None of this means you need to turn finding a partner into a full-time job.

In fact, I don’t think you should.

Continue living your life.

Spend time with your friends and family. Travel. Enjoy your hobbies. Build a life that makes you happy.

But if having someone to share that life with is genuinely important to you, keep a door open for them to enter it.

That might mean staying on a dating app but using it more intentionally.

It might mean saying yes to an introduction you would usually dismiss.

It might mean going on that second date.

Or perhaps it means deciding that you’re tired of doing it alone and asking someone to help you with the search.

Finding love after 40, 50, 60 and beyond isn’t always easy.

There may be disappointing dates.

There may be people you really like who don’t feel the same.

There may be moments when you wonder whether it’s ever going to happen.

Take a break when you need one.

Change your approach if what you’re doing isn’t working.

But if a loving relationship is something you genuinely want, don’t let a handful of disappointing experiences convince you that it isn’t possible.

Because you don’t need the next person you meet to be right.

You just need to keep giving yourself opportunities until eventually, one is.

Your regular dose of genuine advice, real-world dating tips, and confidence-boosting reminders that love is never out of reach. Whether you’re diving back into dating or just dipping a toe, think of this space as your encouraging nudge, your friendly cheerleader, and your go-to guide for doing love the grown-up way.