In the series of The Biggest Mistakes Singles Make When Wanting a New Partner
You can want a relationship and still not be ready for one.
That might sound contradictory, but it’s something I see more often than you might imagine as a professional matchmaker.
Someone can tell me they desperately want to find a partner, miss having someone to share their life with and feel completely ready to start dating again after divorce, separation or bereavement.
And they genuinely mean it.
But wanting someone in your life and being emotionally available for a new relationship aren’t necessarily the same thing.
Sometimes we put ourselves back out there physically long before we’ve made space for somebody emotionally.
We often think of an emotionally unavailable person as someone cold, distant or afraid of commitment.
But it can be much more subtle than that.
You might be going on dates, using dating apps, accepting introductions and actively trying to meet someone new while unknowingly keeping people at arm’s length.
Perhaps you struggle to trust.
Perhaps you compare everyone to a previous partner.
Maybe you find faults very quickly or lose interest as soon as someone starts showing genuine interest in you.
You might repeatedly choose people who aren’t actually available themselves.
Or perhaps you’ve become so comfortable and self-sufficient on your own that, although you like the idea of having a partner, letting someone properly into your life feels surprisingly difficult.
Emotional unavailability doesn’t always look like avoiding relationships.
Sometimes it looks like searching endlessly for one, but never allowing anybody to get quite close enough.
This can be particularly relevant when dating after divorce or a long-term relationship.
A relationship doesn’t simply disappear emotionally because the paperwork has been signed or enough time has passed.
There may still be anger, hurt, resentment, disappointment or unanswered questions.
And sometimes the strongest sign that a previous relationship still has a hold on you isn’t that you want your ex back.
It’s how much emotional energy they still take from you.
If you’re frequently talking about what they did, what went wrong or how badly you were treated, part of you may still be living in that relationship.
That’s understandable.
But a new partner shouldn’t have to compete with an old relationship, especially an unhappy one.
For someone looking for love after bereavement, emotional readiness can be even more complicated.
Loving somebody new doesn’t mean loving the person you lost any less.
Nor does moving forward mean leaving them behind.
But there can understandably be guilt around enjoying yourself again, fear of experiencing another loss or an unconscious tendency to compare a new person with the partner you loved.
There is no timetable that tells you when you should start dating again.
Some people feel ready sooner than others.
What matters isn’t how long you’ve been single.
It’s whether there is enough emotional space in your life for somebody new to become important to you.
By the time we’re dating over 40, 50 or 60, most of us have experienced some form of heartbreak.
And experience teaches us to protect ourselves.
The difficulty is that the very walls that protect us from being hurt can also prevent us from experiencing the closeness we say we want.
You might tell yourself:
“I’m just being careful.”
“I know the warning signs now.”
“I’m not settling this time.”
And sometimes that’s absolutely true.
But sometimes caution becomes a reason to reject someone before they have the opportunity to matter.
You notice one small thing you don’t like and decide they’re not right.
You don’t feel fireworks on the first date and assume there’s no chemistry.
They become interested in you and suddenly you start questioning whether you’re interested in them.
Without realising it, you’re finding perfectly rational reasons to stay safe.
Because if nobody gets close enough, nobody can hurt you.
But unfortunately, nobody can love you properly either.
There is another side to this that I think is particularly relevant to dating later in life.
You’ve learned to manage perfectly well on your own.
You’ve built your routines. You make your own decisions. Your home is how you like it. Your weekends are yours. You don’t have to consult anyone before making plans.
That independence is something to be proud of.
But when you’re hoping to find love after 40, 50 60 or beyond, you may need to ask yourself whether you’re actually prepared to make room for another person.
Not just physically.
Emotionally and practically too.
Would you change your plans occasionally?
Would you allow someone to support you rather than always doing everything yourself?
Could you compromise?
Could you tell someone when you’re worried, scared or vulnerable?
Could you allow somebody to become important enough that losing them would hurt?
Because that’s the uncomfortable truth about emotional availability.
You can’t have genuine intimacy without vulnerability.
I think this is an important point.
You don’t need to have everything figured out before you start looking for a new partner.
Very few of us reach this stage in life without some baggage.
You don’t have to forget your previous relationship, erase every insecurity or guarantee that you’ll never be frightened of getting hurt again.
Being emotionally available simply means recognising those feelings rather than allowing them to make all your decisions for you.
It means being prepared to communicate.
To trust gradually.
To give somebody a genuine chance.
And perhaps most importantly, to let a new person be themselves rather than expecting them to pay the price for what somebody else did.
If you’ve been dating for a while but nobody ever seems quite right, it might be worth asking yourself:
“Am I genuinely looking for reasons to let someone in, or reasons to keep them out?”
The answer may not be immediately obvious.
But it’s worth thinking about.
Because sometimes the biggest obstacle to finding a lasting relationship isn’t a lack of suitable single people.
It isn’t your age.
It isn’t even the dating apps.
Sometimes it’s simply that, somewhere along the way, you’ve become very good at protecting the life you’ve built, as well as your heart.
And finding love again means being brave enough to open the door a little.
Not to everybody.
Just to someone who might deserve the chance to walk through it.
If you’re ready to start dating and would like to find out more about 1-2-1 personal matchmaking then click here
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