Is Your Checklist Stopping You Finding Love?

Mistake #3

In the series of The Biggest Mistakes Singles Over 40 Make When Wanting a New Partner

One of the first questions I ask a new client is, “Tell me about the kind of person you’re looking for.”

The answers are often very similar.

“I’d like someone over 6ft.”

“He has to have a full head of hair.”

“She must enjoy travelling.”

“I’d prefer someone no more than five years older than me.”

“They need to live within 20 miles.”

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with knowing what you’re attracted to or what kind of lifestyle you’d like to share with someone. Having standards is important.

But there’s a big difference between having standards and having a checklist.

As we get older, many of us become more specific about what we think we’re looking for. We base our ideal partner on previous relationships, life experiences and what we’ve convinced ourselves will make us happy.

The trouble is a checklist can sometimes stop us seeing the person standing right in front of our nose.

Are You Looking for the Right Things?

When I meet clients, I don’t just ask what someone looks like or what hobbies they enjoy.

I want to know things like:

• How do you want to feel in a relationship?
• What values matter most to you?
• What makes you laugh?
• What does a happy Sunday afternoon look like?
• How will you resolve differences of opinion?

Because those are often the things that determine whether a relationship lasts.

Height, hair colour or whether someone enjoys golf instead of tennis are not good determinators of happiness long-term.

Kindness is.  Along with respect, shared values and feeling comfortable enough to be yourself.

Your Type May Not Be Your Best Match

This is something I see surprisingly often.  And I talk about incessantly – am sure I bore people to death with this!

Someone tells me they only date a certain “type” or “profession”!

Yet when we talk about their previous relationships, every one of those relationships has ended for one reason or another.

Sometimes your “type” is simply what’s familiar, but it often hasn’t been working up until now as you’re still single. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but it’s true right?

One of the joys of being a matchmaker is seeing connections that people may never have considered for themselves.

I’ve seen people who initially said, “They’re not who I’d normally go for,” go on to have a wonderful relationship because they looked beyond the surface and gave someone the chance to get to know them.

If they’d relied solely on a checklist I can guarantee they probably would never have met.

Don’t Confuse Attraction with Compatibility

Of course attraction matters. I’m not suggesting you should date someone you’re not attracted to.

But attraction is about so much more than appearance.  And especially when it’s based on a photo on a dating site or profile! Not everyone is comfortable in front of a camera, or photogenic.  And yet when you meet these people in person often they are some of the most attractive people in the room, their vibe, their smile, how they make you feel, along with confidence, the ability to make you laugh, the kindness they show others.

These are very much the qualities that become more attractive over time.

Real compatibility is built on far more than a list of physical characteristics.

Be Open to Being Surprised

The best relationships don’t always begin with fireworks.  Sometimes they begin with curiosity.

A conversation over coffee.  A date where you discover you have far more in common than you expected – remember no matter how good the profile it cannot cover everything about a person, there will always be things to discover about them.

Being open-minded doesn’t mean lowering your standards.  It means allowing yourself to discover that your perfect partner may not look exactly like the person you’ve imagined all these years.

So I’d like to leave you with one question…

Are you searching for the person who looks right on paper, or the person who feels right when you’re together?

Sometimes the greatest love stories begin when we’re willing to let go of the checklist and become open to the unexpected.

In the next blog in this series, we’ll explore another common mistake singles over 40 make: allowing past relationships to shape every new one.

Your regular dose of genuine advice, real-world dating tips, and confidence-boosting reminders that love is never out of reach. Whether you’re diving back into dating or just dipping a toe, think of this space as your encouraging nudge, your friendly cheerleader, and your go-to guide for doing love the grown-up way.